Newly Settled Science: Dark Suckers

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light.
Recent information, however, from the U.S. Environmental Projection Agency (EPA) laboratory has proven otherwise beyond all scientific doubt. Electric bulbs do not emit light, they suck dark.
They have now termed these bulbs and other sources of what were assumed forever to be sources of light as "dark suckers."
Dark sucker theory, according to the EPA spokeswoman, has now been proven and shows that dark has mass, is heavier than light, and dark is faster than light.
The basis of the dark sucker is that electric lights suck dark. For example, the dark suckers in the room where you are have less dark right next to them than elsewhere.
The larger the dark sucker the greater is its capacity to suck dark.
The sun is the largest dark sucker here on the Earth. It sucks dark away from everything and keeps it away all day. It does this faster than the speed of light. Thus, darkness cannot interfere with the presence of light.
Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than those in your room.
As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is shown by the dark spot on a full dark sucker.
A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it.
If you hold a pencil next to the wick of a dark sucking candle, the tip will turn black, because it got in the  path of the dark flowing into the candle.
Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are portable dark suckers also. The bulbs in these portable ones cannot handle all the dark by themselves, so they must be aided by a dark storage unit.
When the dark storage unit is full, it must either be emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can suck again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker friction from this mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker.
Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel through the solid wick instead of through glass. Therefore, it is very dangerous to touch an operating candle.
Dark is heavier also than light. If you swim deeper and deeper it gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet (15 meters) you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier darkness sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top.
The immense power of dark can be utilized to our advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of bodies of water and push it through turbines, which generate electricity, and help to push it out to the ocean where it can be stored safely.
Prior to turbines it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes moved out to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly to not stop the flow of the dark. But when they traveled against the flow of dark they paddled quickly to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, the EPA lab has proven that dark is faster than light. If you stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed dark closet and then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see it leave the closet.
In summary, the Environmental Projection Laboratory spokeswoman said that dark suckers make all of our lives much easier. She added, so the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is really a dark sucker. As an aside, a sort of in house joke, she said, "Everyone has a photographic memory, but some just don't have film.

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