These interviews with confirmed Martians took place in various countries over a period of some years. They show a consistent attitude Martians have toward Earth and Earthlings. In England, for example, when asked why Martians come to Earth, it/he/she (don't know if they have gender just as some Earthlings don't know themselves as having) said:
"Bloody Hell, Mars is Bloody Hell! Everything is red. We don't have any sense of color, everyone is the same. We have to come here to develop color adaptation and to know the difference between various Earthlings. The only red ones you have here are not in England, so I have not studied them, but I don't need to. I have had enough of red. Then there is the thing called 'Red Bull.' Hey, mate, everything on Mars is red bull, and nothing there resembles grogg or English tea except our urine.
"Which brings me to the subject of Uranus. Those Urinations are a pest, lying, cheating, stealing everything they can get their claws on. Then they try to sell it back to you at interest. We don't allow Urinations on Mars, but we see you have had a lot of dual Earthling-Urination citizens come here to England and take positions of power in English palaces and halls. So, you see, we are concerned now about the future for us in England. We think the Urinations are trying to replace us here. They know a good thing when we have it, and they always try to take it away on the sly. That's why we have come here in great numbers now, just to protect our planetary interest from the Urinations."
Now, that was a very explicit explanation for Martians liking to come to Earth and in particular to England. But what about those who come to colder places, such as Sweden?
This one Martian interviewed in Stockholm had all of the typical Swedish customs and appearances down pat. He was cheerful and considered that Sweden was really the best place on Earth. For that reason, he did not criticize his choice of Sweden, only his lack of fur.
"I am a quadruple Earth/Sweden/Stockholm/Mars citizen, and proud of it. I have been in Sweden making meatballs and playing football with the best of them. I could take the part of the Swedish Chef on the Muppets Show, and I would do it better than that puppet. Martians don't need asylym, we need a good sauna to keep us warm. We are used to being in a red zone, and Sweden is a whitish one that used to be more white but now has gotten a little bit tinted. It's OK by me, as we don't see so many Urinations here yet, but we are on guard for their invasion."
India was more to the Martian's liking as they are used to hot weather. But they have not gotten used to the cuisine in India yet even when having been there for years.
In a Delhi deli we found a Martian named Swammy, a name he took from the Indian word "Swamy," used primarily as a Hindu honorific title for a male deity. It is derived from Sanskrit and means "He who knows and is the master of himself", "owner of oneself", or "free from the sins."
The interviewer said: "So, Swammy, how do you like the Earth and India in particular?" That is how the interview of this Martian began and ended in India. "Oh, yesss," he said and then walked away.
Following him, we decided to go with him to the Raj Palace Indian Cuisine at 37116 Six Mile Road in Livonia, MI 48152 . . . after which he said, "Oh I see, you Earthlings don't know how to get there from India, well we, Martians, do, so come on my flying carpet, if that's what you think it is."
Being Martian has its benefits even in India, but the interview was over as soon as we entered the Raj Palace. This Martian considered it adequate to have his interview based upon his choice of foods from the buffet. So, that ended our interview, and we had to find our way back to India on our own while the Martian, reeking of curry, slept off his huge meal. But it demonstrated that even Martians like Earth food as long as it is not Indian in India.
The Martian who really exposed it all was the owner of Hollyweed Acting Agency, not located in Hollywood by his own choice. He really told us a lot.
Interviewer:
"Why did you name your agency 'Hollyweed' instead of 'Hollywood'?"
Martian:
"That was simply to keep from being associated with the the invaders from Uranus, our enemies, well-known as Urinations, that run Hollywood. We know what they are doing and we are determined to change the image they have created of us, Martians. That is why we have an agency to help get actors play good roles for Martians.
"The Urinations have made many films denigrating us and portraying us as violent invaders. Films such as 'Flash Gordon: Mars Attacks The World' to exploit the fear surrounding Orson Welles' (in)famous radio broadcast 'War Of The Worlds,' you probably remember the long-legged war machines that allowed H.G. Wells’ Martians to wreak havoc around sunny California . . . Martians who have been magically transformed into 'Clay Men' by the ever-so-evil Azura, Queen of Mars, who’s working with Ming the Merciless to destroy the earth. . . .
"For those of you who haven’t watched this movie – and if so, lucky you – this is a film so shockingly shit that it almost transcends its shitness and enters the ethereal plane of so-shit-it’s-really-really-good. Alas, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is so good at being shit that it falls out the back end of the so-shit-it’s-really-really-good category and becomes really, really shit again.
"And in the somewhat forgotten series of 'Beach Party' movies that infested 1960s’ cinemas, Pajama Party is unique that it contains a Martian called Gogo in it. . . . Gogo himself, as is often the case in these situations, is sent to Earth in an usher's uniform to prepare for an impending invasion from Mars. There he meets an eccentric old lady, gets dressed up in silly clothes, and takes part in a big fight at the end. That’s pretty much the whole movie, to be honest. . . .
"Following in the footsteps of the Invaders from Mars-style extra-terrestrial troublemakers, Burton’s Martians might say they come in peace, but in reality they’re dove-shooting mayhem-bringers who think with their ray guns rather than their excessively large brains.
"But you can get all this information and more at http://www.empireonline.com/movies/features/brief-history-martians-movies/, a really good site exposing the horrendous abuse we Martians have suffered because of the Hollywood Urinations.
"Now let's get real. Would you invade and try to destroy a paradise that has beaches and mountain streams with lovely valleys? We, Martians, come to Earth for a chance to have a life out of the red desert that is Mars. We get to come here if we are awarded a vacation trip or if we have retired from the Martian Military with honor and valor. We come here to enjoy the place, not to destroy it as you seem to be doing quite well yourselves. Get a life, we want it to be as it was and will be if the Urinations are stopped from destroying it all and making us out to be the violent invaders that they really are."
"Anything else you want to know?"
Interviewer:
"No, I think you have covered the subject very well, and we hope you are successful in getting the image that Martians have on Earth changed to a more accurate one. We know about the problems you mention, as we have seen some aliens in NYC who are a lot like those you talk about in Hollywood. In fact, they own the studios from there. So, thank you for the warning and alerting us to the cause of our greatest problems. Now I think it is time for an all American meal of hot dogs, not from NY, and fries, not from France."
Well, that tells you more than you thought you wanted to know about Martians, so have a good time and remember to keep those beaches and mountain streams pristine for more Martians to visit.
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